I think the hardest aspect of trauma, especially in the context of recovery, is talking about it repeatedly. In my experience, I’ve only discussed it in detail with a counselor and my former pastor, as he has training as a licensed psychologist. I thought that talking about it to strangers would be easier than talking about it with family and friends, but I was wrong, as both are hard to do. I relayed my tale to two strong Christian women today and I was surprised by how triggered I felt and the intrusive memories that popped up in my brain. Because of the grounding and coping skills I’ve practiced over the past 7 months, I wrongly assumed that I could talk about my trauma and PTSD and have it not affect me as strongly as it had in times past.
Yet, I’m glad I was wrong in my assumption. It shows me that not only do I still have work to do in processing my pain, but it demonstrates how far I’ve come in my recovery process. It reminds me that even in my weakness and dissociation because of triggers, I am still strong for facing my fear head-on by giving voice to it instead of hiding in the shadows. It also gives me a greater understanding of what works and what doesn’t work as far as coping mechanisms are concerned. Yes, I still have a long way to go. No, much to my dismay, it won’t happen overnight but that’s okay because I know I’m worth the fight. I’m worth recovery and being my best self.