I just got home from life group, AKA, hanging out with a bunch of Christians. It was uneventful until two games of Brazilian Uno, as per our nightly routine, but something different happened tonight. A lone piano was played, came alive by talented hands, and praises were sung to a holy deity. Tonight, different voices became one unified, solid voice of glory. Tonight, worship happened. Well, for everyone but me that is. I couldn’t sing. It was not for lack of desire, trust me, but I just couldn’t do it. I stood nearby, mesmerized by the pianist’s hands, remembering my own days of playing beautiful melodies and gaining ultimate control as I played each correct note as it related to the song, but something prevented me from joining in with the rest of the group.
In a previous blog, I shared how I had a moment with God while walking to my house before rain fell. I thought I was ready to come back to Christianity, to come back home, but tonight showed me that maybe I’m not ready just yet. I still have not prayed, or completed an actual prayer I should say, because every time I have tried, it has resulted in a massive panic attack. I admit, I fear this powerful Being. Before I went to college, my relationship with God, despite my analytical nature, was built on blind faith and emotionalism, nothing more. After college, where I got introduced to theology, church history, and apologetics, that’s when the questioning began. The intellectual side grew and I started to shun all emotionalism. I know there are some things I must unlearn about my perception of God, harmful theology and the like, but despite that, I thought I knew God and His heart; I guess I don’t though.
If I’m being honest, I have always struggled with the idea of a faithful, ever-loving God. And though I know the Bible says that God is love and loves unconditionally, I’m still waiting for Him to turn his back on me, waiting for Him to leave me, or invalidate my emotions, or tell me “You know better! How dare you ask such questions! How dare you doubt Me!”
Tonight, I was emotional, as I sat in my friend’s car crying because of the worship displayed. It vexes me because I don’t know what to do with it; I don’t know what it means for my future steps with God (maybe). I wish I knew.
There’s a verse somewhere in the Bible that says God is not the “author of confusion” and right now, I’m more lost and confused than ever. I don’t know how this is going to end, or even if it will end. I just want answers and peace and assurance.