Silencing the ‘Should’ Monster: The Beginning of Grace

“F.A.I.L. Remember the acronym? What I told you all those years ago?” J. asked me last night in response to me shouting “I’ve failed!” at him while throwing my covenant ring at his chest.

*

I was relaying the tale of the silent panic attack and flashback I had when I went to dessert with friends 2 weeks ago. I was more focused on not making them feel uncomfortable or potentially helpless if I brought up my distress. It didn’t occur to me until later that night that I could have asked them to change the conversation topic. Ha, hindsight is 20/20 for a reason!

*

Dissociation crept in like a cool fog. I shook my head at his question and didn’t meet his eyes, too distracted by the ring’s departure from his blue shirt to its resting place on the carpeted floor just underneath the lamp stand.

“Ru!” he commanded my name like an army Sargeant. I snapped out of dissociation and into attention. At ease.

“Sorry,” I said sheepishly and meant it. “I was floating. What’s the acronym mean again?”

Should Monster Rears Its Head

He smiled and took my dissociation in stride. After so long, he’s used to it by now. “F.A.I.L means ‘First Attempt In Learning’,” he said, holding up a finger for each word. “You don’t beat yourself up if you’re struggling to learn something, do you?”

“No,” I replied. “But… it’s been 10 years since the traumatic events and I still hear the siren song! I shouldn’t be giving in to my vices! I shou— ”

He cut me off so I couldn’t finish the word “should.”

“Is this helping?” he asked. “Beating yourself up? Distracting yourself? Does that help?”

“…no,” I huffed.

His gaze was gentle as he dropped the biggest truth bomb: “You can’t heal the trauma until you decide to face it head-on. You distracting yourself and saying ‘I should’ doesn’t help you heal the trauma. You’re just pushing it aside and saying ‘I don’t wanna deal with this now. I’ll deal with this later.’ Then the guilt comes because you’ve given the ‘should’ monster control.

Every time you say “I should do this” or “I shouldn’t still be tempted by or struggling with that,” the ‘should’s get stronger. But YOU have control. You’ve made progress. Just because you’re not completely healed yet doesn’t mean you haven’t made progress and it doesn’t mean you’ve failed.”

Getting Rid of the Should Monster

I met his blue eyes. I need you to get this they seemed to say. I breathed a deep breath. Relaxed my shoulders.

“How are you gonna get rid of the ‘Should’ monster when it comes?” J. asked near the end of the session.

“Hmm,” I thought aloud. “Marshmallow cannon?” I said, smiling.

“You can shoot the ‘should’s out of the cannon and the heat from the sun can turn them into s’mores!” he added, returning the smile.

The rest of the session was smooth.

As I lay down to sleep last night, I made a vow:

Tonight, the “should”s stop. Tonight, I give myself grace for the past I can’t change and for the future I still have time to mold.