Tonight is frustrating for me. I’m sitting at my desk with Elevation Worship’s “Resurrecting King” blaring in my ears through my headphones and I can’t be present, can’t enjoy it, can’t lose myself in a private, passionate display of love and adoration to the One who loved me when I rejected him. No, tonight my brain wants to focus on how exactly the Holy Spirit will raise me “from the ashes of defeat” and what that means on an intellectual level, and a bunch of other questions. (Huge sigh).
I wish I could say this is the first time that this has happened, but it’s not. People have, for the majority of my life, praised me for being an intelligent person, but they don’t understand what pain that burden carries. I doubt and second-guess everything. And I mean, everything. It’s exhausting. How am I to have a personal relationship and be close to Him if I can’t even stop being analytical in the midst of worship? I remember how, in my younger years, blind faith ruled me and I didn’t have to think about why I held the beliefs I did, or if what I was seeing and hearing in church was biblical or not (as far as worship methods were concerned). As I’ve gotten older, my understanding has grown (I hope) and certain beliefs I once held are no more. I wish I could just worship without all the extraneous noise from my overthinking, analytical, always wondering brain. Maybe one day. Maybe.