The words Elphaba sings in Defying Gravity are a testament to where I am right now: “Something has changed within me, something is not the same. I’m through with playing by the rules of someone else’s game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep. It’s time to trust my instincts, close my eyes, and leap!” (If you didn’t sing that in your head, you’re a liar. I know you did!)
It’s funny and interesting the things you can learn and discover while taking a walk. Friday afternoon, I walked home from the bus stop, which is a good half-mile distance. Given that my quads and calves were already screaming from standing in one place since early morning (cashier life), I was dreading this walk especially when grey storm clouds loomed overhead like a bad omen. On this walk, there is a steep hill that is horrendous to travel on whether going up or down it. My main concern was that I wouldn’t lose my balance, or if I did, that it wouldn’t cause my kneecaps to dislocate, as they often do (gotta love cerebral palsy; it definitely keeps life interesting!) Anyway, I’m making my way down this hill, my clothes and body sticky from sweat, trying to beat the rain. Finally, my house came into view. I breathed a sigh of relief and said, “Thank you, God, for letting me get home before it rained.” I paused. Considered what I had just said. Repeated it. It shook me. It shook me because I meant it.
Just a minuscule event: getting home before it rained, but something changed. I still don’t know what or why that moment, as opposed to another, like when I’m in church, but it happened. It wasn’t a huge thing. The heavens didn’t open and I heard no chorus of angels singing, just a small shift within. At the time of this writing, I have not yet prayed and I think I have more questions than answers currently. I’ve been thinking a lot about how I should approach God; maybe that’s the problem. Maybe I’m thinking too much. I admit, it feels weird on my part, like getting reacquainted with an ex. It’s awkward and kind of scary, but exciting too. Something has changed within me and I wanna see where it leads. I think I’m ready to come back home now.