It’s a few minutes before 5:00a.m and I’m awake. I’m up worshipping; a practice I’ve not implemented in way too long.

Neglecting and Bargaining with Yahweh

Life and stress have distracted me, broken me, and I’ve neglected my relationship with Yahweh.

I’ve been struggling with depression, anxiety, a hardened heart, and suicidal thoughts for the past couple of months. A large portion of this stems from chronic health issues and recent transitions I’m adjusting to:

• I’m struggling with my new job; the complexities of the healthcare system are not for the faint of heart (or the overthinkers) and giving myself grace is a hard lesson to learn.
• My chronic health issues have been acutely problematic (and annoying) since I started this job in June and despite doctors’ visits, medications, and tests, I’m still no closer to finding an answer.
• I moved back home and it’s a hard transition, especially being in my childhood bedroom—the room where my Grandma spent her last 8 months and took her last breath. The grief is overwhelming at times.

Returning to Worship

I’m listening to “You’re Worthy of my Song” by Phil Wickham and Chandler Moore. As I’m listening to the song, my faith is slowly increasing.

“And in blessing or pain, You are worthy. Whether You say ‘yes, no, or wait’, You are worthy.”

This part of the bridge just…struck me.

I’ve been praying—begging, bargaining—for Elohim to come get me, for Him to separate my spirit from this body of death.

He hasn’t said “yes” or “no.” All He’s said—for months— is “not yet.”

The mercy of the Lord is great; He is wise and knows not to give me everything I pray for (especially when I’m praying while depressed).

God is Still Worthy in the “Not Yet”

And as I’m worshipping, this realization hits my spirit:

Even in the “not yet,” Jesus is still worthy of my worship; YHWH still deserves my song, my sacrifice of obedience, and my faith.

***

Lord,

Even in the “not yet,” You are still worthy of my worship, my praise, my obedience, and my absolute surrender. Even as I struggle through work, mental health, and my next steps, You are still deserving of my worship.

In this moment, I turn my heart back towards You; I surrender. Forgive me my negligence, Father. Help me to trust You in the “not yet;” help me to be faithful to You and the things I know to be true, and to cultivate patience, until I see You face-to-face.

In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit I pray,

Amen.