Holy Spirit spoke these words to me upon waking this morning: “Lived loved. Live as if you know without a shadow of doubt—in every bone in your body, in the very core of your soul I breathed life into—that I love you.” Lord, I admit, I don’t live that way. I can be a very... Continue Reading →
I Believe, Lord—Help My Unbelief: Clinging to YHWH in the Dark
I feel like everything I wrote in my last post was a lie. Or maybe God is just testing me. Or Satan’s harassing me—looking to see if I’ll really “praise Him in this storm” while the waves become tsunami-level dangerous. Or maybe this is just…life. Recovering Alone Recently, I learned that the facility where I... Continue Reading →
“I’ll Praise You in This Storm”: Finding God Through Pain and Recovery
I wanted to write sooner—to update you, to process—but fear (and writer’s block) held me back. Fear of vulnerability. Fear of being honest about what the recovery process has been like. But today, I’m pushing past the fear. Before the sun rose, Holy Spirit woke me up with a song: Casting Crowns’ Praise You in... Continue Reading →
Even in the “Not Yet,” God is Still Worthy
It’s a few minutes before 5:00a.m and I’m awake. I’m up worshipping; a practice I’ve not implemented in way too long. Neglecting and Bargaining with Yahweh Life and stress have distracted me, broken me, and I’ve neglected my relationship with Yahweh. I’ve been struggling with depression, anxiety, a hardened heart, and suicidal thoughts for the... Continue Reading →
The Danger of Romanticizing Suicide
"Suicide isn't logical," J. told me, matter-of-factly, in a recent session.I was sitting on the comfy couch in his office, sinking into its cushions, flabbergasted he would say something that outrageous. We were just talking about my mountain of pain, composed of past and present woes that still fester like sun-bathed wounds when poked. "What... Continue Reading →
Musings of a Wanderer 