I feel like everything I wrote in my last post was a lie. Or maybe God is just testing me. Or Satan’s harassing me—looking to see if I’ll really “praise Him in this storm” while the waves become tsunami-level dangerous. Or maybe this is just…life. Recovering Alone Recently, I learned that the facility where I... Continue Reading →
Silencing the ‘Should’ Monster: The Beginning of Grace
“F.A.I.L. Remember the acronym? What I told you all those years ago?” J. asked me last night in response to me shouting “I’ve failed!” at him while throwing my covenant ring at his chest. * I was relaying the tale of the silent panic attack and flashback I had when I went to dessert with... Continue Reading →
Thorn in my Side
Born of Spirit,forever indebted and adopted.So why am I here once againin this place of danger, isolation,hurt, and self-disappointment?Your Spirit reigns within,a child of Yours I am,so I shouldn't be unrenewed orconformed in my thinking, right? "You are mine," I hear you softly whisper.I smile. I am yours, but I also need help. They tell... Continue Reading →
The Danger of Romanticizing Suicide
"Suicide isn't logical," J. told me, matter-of-factly, in a recent session.I was sitting on the comfy couch in his office, sinking into its cushions, flabbergasted he would say something that outrageous. We were just talking about my mountain of pain, composed of past and present woes that still fester like sun-bathed wounds when poked. "What... Continue Reading →
When Grief Demands Its Audience (A “Dear Danny” Letter)
Dear Danny, I found your obituary online tonight. It filled in some holes for me but not everything. The most important thing I found though was your death date—your actual one; not the date that Ash or Chris told me that you died—(It was sometime in November according to them and my memory but now... Continue Reading →
Musings of a Wanderer 