There are many things in and about Christianity that don’t make sense: the sovereign mandate to kill hundreds of men, women, and children; the outlandish and outrageous commands in the Levitical law; the command the we must forgive others or our own sins won’t be forgiven—as someone who has been in abusive and traumatic situations and relationships, this one hurts and confuses me the most—and the fact that sometimes, God just seems like a cosmic bully (just being honest). All of that can be understood, even accepted, on some level, but that’s not my breaking point. I have read enough of the old, wise theologians to know that nearly every intellectual problem, for the most part, and if one is seeking honestly and in earnest, can be answered within the Biblical text itself, if not a sound theology book or two.
No, my breaking point is much deeper than merely questioning if the flood “really happened” or if God’s decision to wipe out the entire human race in the name of a do-over is “humane” or not.
Beyond the Surface
At first glance, the intellectual wonderings seem to be what people think will be the end of the conversation, but that’s just surface-level stuff. The real matter goes deeper, way beyond the surface.
“Do not have other gods besides Me.” (Exodus 20:2)
“The person who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; the person who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. And whoever doesn’t take up his cross and follow Me is not worthy of Me. Anyone finding his life will lose it, and anyone losing his life because of Me will find it. (Matthew 10:37-39)
This, above everything else, beyond all my intellectual doubts, gets me every time. If ever I were to leave Christianity, this would be why:
This is my breaking point— I want to have control and God says, “No.”
Some of the things God allows to happen, both in the world at large and in my own life, baffle me to no end. I cannot, for the life of me, understand His ways or why He does the things He does and I want to. The fact that I can’t angers me something fierce.
To leave Christianity—to leave God—because I want to be the one in charge and He denies me would be quite foolish. Some of the things He allows are downright painful and I can do naught to bring about change or a small portion of comfort to those suffering—myself included. I feel helpless in that regard, knowing that whatever God allows to happen will come to pass and neither I, nor anyone else, can change His hand in the slightest. I feel more oft like a pawn in a cosmic game of chess than an adoptee of the Most High. Nonetheless, He calls me his, even though for the past few months I’ve been going back and forth between two opinions, flirting with the idea of whether or not to leave again.
Flirting with Danger
The first commandment God gives to the Israelites infers that there are other gods that exist besides Yahweh, either man-made from other religions or idols we make ourselves. It seems from a Biblical context though that God—that is, Yahweh—is to be the only really true cosmic Divine Being. If I were to leave, there would be no solace, no solemn, quiet, safe place to rest my weary soul nor would I find comfort for my ever-questioning mind.
In the End
All that being said, I know that if I left—again— I wouldn’t come back.
In fact, I would die. I don’t mean that spiritually, I mean literally.
I would kill myself and have absolutely no qualms about doing so because I’d have nothing.
I still have doubts; I still have questions; I still have panic attacks linked to spiritual things. I haven’t left Christianity or God despite my wrestling—and it’s only by His grace that I haven’t. So for now, I’m just sitting in the corner, so to speak; taking my time, being still and knowing that He is God. And that remains true, regardless of if I leave or stay.
Musings of a Wanderer 
The more you know about God and His Ways and His reasons for doing things, the more that you are held accountable for your actions and His Divine Justice.
This is why when satan and his devils fell, there was no possibility of redemption for them. Their knowledge of God and His Divine Plan were vastly higher than ours, and so, they could not be redeemed. They knew and saw God as He Is in Heaven, and still rejected Him. So, they fell into hell.
In contrast, mankind’s knowledge of God is more hidden. With Adam and Eve, they had intimately known God, and so, when they fell, their fall was so drastic–all of the created earth fell with them, because Adam had been given stewardship of earth. However, Adam and Eve had not known God at the same intensity as the angels in Heaven, and so, they and their children had a chance for redemption and God promised it to them through the future coming of the Messiah.
If all of mankind were given the same level of knowledge and intimacy of God as satan and the devils, we would all be in hell without a chance for redemption. But, this is not the case, and so, each man and woman has a chance for redemption while they are still living on earth in time. But once each person dies, his/her eternal choice for or against God is sealed. This is because once a person dies, their soul lives on in eternity (which is timeless) and they know without a doubt the existence of God and how their life choices and sins are viewed by God.
In eternity, there are only two wills. There is God’s Will in Heaven and there is everybody’s own self-will against God in hell. God has rules for how He runs things in Heaven. The Ten Commandments are the blue-print for living on earth and a foreshadowing of how God orders everything in Heaven, which is structured on love of God first and love of neighbor second. There is no self-love in Heaven. If you choose your own self-will and own rules, you are committing the same sin as satan and choosing hell.
The reason you must love God more than your family and neighbors, is because this world is under the domain of satan. satan manipulates people living in this world at a far greater extent than people realize. The greater battle takes place in the supernatural world. God needs prayer, because of the laws that He holds Himself accountable to when He decided to create all of Creation. Yes, God could give us everything on earth, but if He did, there would be no point for free-will on earth. But, free-will is necessary for people to choose whether they love God and want to be with Him forever in Heaven, or reject Him to be in hell. Because God Is Love, He has given us the gift of free-will, because He does not want commanded slaves to love Him, but each of us as His most beloved and cherish child of His Eternal Family.
So, prayer is necessary, because it is the permission God needs due to our free-will in order for Him to change events and situations on earth. As you become more holy by living the Ten Commandments and being virtuous, etc., the more powerful your prayers become to God, because He has more permission to change things on earth. And it also works in the aggregate. If people are less holy, but they pray together, then those prayers are powerful, too, and so, God has permission to change things on earth.
The greatest battle takes place at the moment of death. Most people do not know or understand any of these truths that I have written here. satan wants people to cling to other people, situations, memories, and things of earth, especially, at death, so that people die in unforgiveness, blind in their sins, and go to hell. But, forgiveness is essential to salvation–love of God and love of neighbor in Heaven. No one is perfect and no one has perfect knowledge of God and events in our lives. So, we must forgive others, and leave our grievances to God, who through Divine Justice will correct and fix things. (Which is one of the reasons, there is Purgatory after death).
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