Musings of a Wanderer

I don’t think I’ve ever really explained my site title or domain. So, I want to take some time to do that.

When I started this blog, back in February 2017, it was during a time where I was doubting God and questioning/abhorring Christianity. I know, what a terrible thing for me, a Christian, to say, but it’s true. I was wandering, drifting out into an unfamiliar wildness comprised of a vast marketplace of ideas and ideologies. It was a lot, too much for me at times.

Looking back, I’m not sure what exactly I was looking for. Maybe an explanation for all the injustices in my life or maybe I wanted an excuse to leave my Maker so I could pretend to be Him. I wanted truth. I wanted to belong to something bigger than myself. I wanted love, eternally. I wanted the stories my mother told me in childhood to be true. I wanted to know God for myself, not through the lens of familial relationships or church pastors.

After wrestling intellectually with my childhood faith, via my academically and apologetics-minded professor-friends, and emotionally with the local Christians around me who loved me with persistence and steadfastness despite my inability to accept or rest in it, God thought to call me back to Him using a fire pit. How creative.

That’s not surprising to me though. What is surprising is that the truth didn’t punch me hard in the chest. I didn’t slam headfirst into it. It came slow and tentative, like a turtle moving down a sidewalk. For 8 months, I sat and wrestled and tore my Bible apart; I wandered into the truth (see what I did there?).

The word wander means “to move about without a fixed course, aim, or goal”. Ironically, the word also means “to go astray (as from a course)”. I fulfilled both of those definitions in my sojourn from and to the truth. That being said, I still find myself wandering.

For several months, I haven’t been able to open my Bible because I perceive the ancient script to be mere words on pages. I should not admit that as a professing Christian, but if I am not honest, then what good will come of this? I want to rip my Bible apart (again), though the motive for this is unknown to me. I’m not angry at God. If anything, I’m numb or heartbroken, I can’t say which. Maybe both. I don’t know what this means, but it’s a little scary. I want to have that close relationship with God I envy of others, but something is in the way. For my fellow believers who read this blog, I ask your prayers for clarity and healing. Until then, I’ll keep wandering the gates of Heaven til my Savior saves me from this affliction.

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