It’s been over a month since I last posted and that was deliberate. I wanted to give myself time to see if coming back to Christ would actually make a difference in my life. Needless to say, God definitely took me up on that challenge! When I want to be, I’m a private person hiding all of my insecurities, vulnerabilities, and hangups from those around me in an attempt to present the best version of myself. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself. In truth, it’s because I don’t want to be hurt or hurt/burden anyone else.
God is keenly aware of this. He knows I wish to hide the bad parts of myself from others, and especially Him, yet this is the area where He chooses to challenge me the most. I was resting yesterday afternoon, when Holy Spirit told me, “Give me your pain completely raw. It’s okay. I can take it.” I had a slight moment’s hesitation before I said yes, because I’ve recently been hiding more and more things from my friends and family, too afraid to tell them the truth of how I’ve been feeling concerning my mental health and the effects of past trauma because I don’t want them to worry or become angry with me for feeling the way I do. I’m carrying a lot of guilt over my emotional state. Nonetheless, God wants my pain and that’s a hard thing for me to wrap my heart around. He wants to disrupt my trauma narrative by stepping in my pain to love me, heal me, comfort me.
In the midst of a routine where I wake up disoriented with a brain playing flashbacks and memories like a silent horror film with no ending scene, and an impaired fight/flight/freeze mode that doesn’t know the difference between danger and safety, the very thought of calming peace from a loving God is a little hard to accept. It sounds too good to be true. Maybe that’s the point of mercy and grace-to disrupt everything for something better.